Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
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Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Ferrari squats
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
concern
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Bring back the McRib
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
New menu item
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”