The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
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I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.