Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
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Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.