*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
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MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament