The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
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#polloftheday
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Born to be mild.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho