Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
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I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*