My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
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Very good news from my accountant
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Monday
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis