I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
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Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Me irl
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.