Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.