Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
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i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.