Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
“i miss shittin on people”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.