“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
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[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Aaaa…CHOO!
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
My sex drive has a dui
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*