You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
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“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
They grow up so quick
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
notice
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.