Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
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CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Need this in my life lol
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what