McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
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God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
selfie game
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
mom had nothing to worry about
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me: