the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
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Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there