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Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”