Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
You Might Also Like
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Your honor these allegations are
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
How all things should be taught/explained.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”