If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
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A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I’m not lazy
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.