BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
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Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered