the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
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Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
A completely valid reaction tbh
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.