Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.