Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
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So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Introverted vegans go meetless
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.