This kinda thing happens to me often
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When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Jurassic park gets weird
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Happy Taco Tuesday
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.