Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
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I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.