I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
You Might Also Like
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Mistakes were made
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?