*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
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Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Woke up against my better judgement again
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.