i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
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So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Welcome to the stomach
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this