Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
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I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.