Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
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My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
me and who
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
What an awful time to have common sense.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK