48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
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if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.