Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]