Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
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I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us