When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.