Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I want what they have
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.