For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
You Might Also Like
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.