[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.