HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
You Might Also Like
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Meow
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
how to market bottled water to dads
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.