Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
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<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today