My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
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Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
found my next D&D character name