If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
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If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?