Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
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Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed