[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
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I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I am all good here, 😂😉
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas