The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
This is the best one I’ve seen
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…