Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
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Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
This hospital has everything
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.