Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
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Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”