the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
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Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
This is my cat’s medicine.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.