Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
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I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out