psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
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If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Have a lovely day 😊
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.