Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
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Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.